Fearing not able to find a new guy, if she leaves her abusive boyfriend or husband, she doesn't dare to leave the relationship, unless she finds a new guy first, but how can she find a new man, unless she at least allows herself to get emotionally involved with other men? Most abusive boyfriend, feed to her fear of not able to find a new guy, usually by feeding to her pre-existing insecurity towards her appearance, to make her fear leaving him, leading to the high rate of abuse to women in the west. Some might even use that to his advantage to assert greater control over her, forcing her to cut connection to things that make it easier for her to leave the abusive relationship, such as friends and family, getting her to quit her job and/or put the money under his name.
US President Ronald Reagan once said in 1980
If we continue to accommodate, continue to back and retreat, eventually we have to face the final demand–the ultimatum. And what then? When Nikita Khrushchev has told his people he knows what our answer will be? He has told them that we are retreating under the pressure of the Cold War, and someday when the time comes to deliver the ultimatum, our surrender will be voluntary because by that time we will have weakened from within spiritually, morally, and economically. (President Ronald Reagan, 1980)
But that is exactly what a lot of women who are in abusive relationships are doing, continue to accommodate, continue to back and retreat, as the abuser continue demand and assert control over her, because she fears not able to find a new guy if she leaves him or if he dumps her and the abuser take advantage of that, feeding to her insecurity of not able to find a new man.
As mentioned, earlier in this book, Response Shaping Process is about persuading a person to a distorted view while presenting a limited or no understanding towards a situation. Famous TV psychologist Dr. Phil talked about this in his best seller book “Self-Matters” explaining when a person got a limited or no understanding towards a situation, they don’t have the fact to contradict what they are been persuade to believe in. When you are dealing a more solid concept such as, somebody say “You are a thief” you can say you are not a thief, because you never stole anything. However, if somebody call you a looser. That would be harder to contradict, due to what constitute as a looser, is more abstract. Thus, you allow other people to put a label on you. Children are usually the most vulnerable to be influenced by Response Shaping Process, evidence by the Red Guards of Mao Zedong and the Hitler Youth of Nazi Germany.
Kim Whitefield is a woman Cupid interviewed for this book and she went through this exact process. Within Whitefield’s exact words she said
After being so long with the people who have spent every day breaking you down piece by piece. You lose all value you once had for yourself and you are manipulated to view yourself the way the abuser wants you to see yourself.
They, do this so you feel like you will never be good enough for anything or anyone including yourself. You learn to live in a constant state of fight or flight and everything become a trigger
According to an article published by the Huffington post there are eight steps regarding to how an abuser establish the dominance to lead a woman to be afraid of leaving an abusive relationship
Stage One: Breaking down the self
1. Assault on Identity: E.g. assaulting her confidence in her appearance making her fear not able to find another man, if she leaves him.
2. Establish of guilt: E.g. say “if you didn’t talk back, I wouldn’t have hit you.”
3. Self-Betrayal: Due to been brainwashed to this distorted ethical view, the abuse victim felt what she is doing to be unethical, thus conform to act in accordance to this distorted ethical standard
4. Breaking Point: When the abuser has successfully made the woman lose her grip with reality and no longer recognize herself due to step one, two and three are successful, he would try to over write her to his distorted reality e.g. saying “You are crazy” or “you are paranoid” where the abuse victim is further been fed a distorted version of reality.
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US President Ronald Reagan once said in 1980
If we continue to accommodate, continue to back and retreat, eventually we have to face the final demand–the ultimatum. And what then? When Nikita Khrushchev has told his people he knows what our answer will be? He has told them that we are retreating under the pressure of the Cold War, and someday when the time comes to deliver the ultimatum, our surrender will be voluntary because by that time we will have weakened from within spiritually, morally, and economically. (President Ronald Reagan, 1980)
But that is exactly what a lot of women who are in abusive relationships are doing, continue to accommodate, continue to back and retreat, as the abuser continue demand and assert control over her, because she fears not able to find a new guy if she leaves him or if he dumps her and the abuser take advantage of that, feeding to her insecurity of not able to find a new man.
Response Shaping Process
We talked about Response Shaping Process, in the beginning of this book. Here, we would like to go into greater detail, hereAs mentioned, earlier in this book, Response Shaping Process is about persuading a person to a distorted view while presenting a limited or no understanding towards a situation. Famous TV psychologist Dr. Phil talked about this in his best seller book “Self-Matters” explaining when a person got a limited or no understanding towards a situation, they don’t have the fact to contradict what they are been persuade to believe in. When you are dealing a more solid concept such as, somebody say “You are a thief” you can say you are not a thief, because you never stole anything. However, if somebody call you a looser. That would be harder to contradict, due to what constitute as a looser, is more abstract. Thus, you allow other people to put a label on you. Children are usually the most vulnerable to be influenced by Response Shaping Process, evidence by the Red Guards of Mao Zedong and the Hitler Youth of Nazi Germany.
Kim Whitefield is a woman Cupid interviewed for this book and she went through this exact process. Within Whitefield’s exact words she said
After being so long with the people who have spent every day breaking you down piece by piece. You lose all value you once had for yourself and you are manipulated to view yourself the way the abuser wants you to see yourself.
They, do this so you feel like you will never be good enough for anything or anyone including yourself. You learn to live in a constant state of fight or flight and everything become a trigger
According to an article published by the Huffington post there are eight steps regarding to how an abuser establish the dominance to lead a woman to be afraid of leaving an abusive relationship
Stage One: Breaking down the self
1. Assault on Identity: E.g. assaulting her confidence in her appearance making her fear not able to find another man, if she leaves him.
2. Establish of guilt: E.g. say “if you didn’t talk back, I wouldn’t have hit you.”
3. Self-Betrayal: Due to been brainwashed to this distorted ethical view, the abuse victim felt what she is doing to be unethical, thus conform to act in accordance to this distorted ethical standard
4. Breaking Point: When the abuser has successfully made the woman lose her grip with reality and no longer recognize herself due to step one, two and three are successful, he would try to over write her to his distorted reality e.g. saying “You are crazy” or “you are paranoid” where the abuse victim is further been fed a distorted version of reality.
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